The Jeffersonian

TJSL Stallions 46; Snoops Lions 40

The championship game of intramural flag football came down to a match-up of two undefeated teams, but only one could finish the season undefeated as champions of the 2012 season. The TJSL Stallions came into the game as the top overall seed by holding their opponents to the fewest points over the course of the season, but the Snoop Lions were the highest scoring team in the league coming into the game. There is an old saying that offense wins games, while defense wins championships, so the Stallions could be considered the favorites going in. Neither team played much defense in this one though, as it was the highest scoring game of the entire year. Every time it appeared that the Snoop Lions had the TJSL Stallions in a difficult spot, the TJSL Stallions converted. They were a perfect five for five on 4th down, three of those going for touchdowns. The Snoop Lions were playing their third game of the day and the 3Ls showed their age. Multiple key players were limited with muscle strains and cramps, but that is no excuse. The TJSL Stallions, made up almost entirely of 1Ls are officially the champs, but a rematch when both teams are healed is in the works. Congrats to the TJSL Stallions and thanks to everyone who participated in intramural flag football for making it a great season.

When did the names of our two biggest political parties suddenly become curse words?  For many Americans, the mere utterance of  the words “Democrat” or “Republican” produces a disgusted reaction on par with Seinfeld character Newman attempting to eat a piece of broccoli.  As the election draws closer, you probably have noticed how everyone has suddenly turned into a political expert and your Facebook newsfeed has become a battleground for the uniformed to spout the rhetoric of their favorite news channel.  You probably also notice an 85% increase in over- the-top scoffing and exaggerated eye-rolling amongst your friends whenever something or someone about the opposing political party is mentioned.  The current political climate in American is mostly pretentious, with a 100% chance of high-horse-sitting on.  While everyone is certainly entitled to their opinion and is perfectly free to despise whoever they want to despise, the likelihood of this attitude bringing about any type of positive change is slim to none.

Natural human instinct is to blame somebody else.  When Bush was in office, the Democrats loathed every decision he made.  They counted down the days like it was New Years Eve in Time Square until someone from their party could take office.  Currently, the Republicans are doing the exact same thing.  So allow me to recap; 1 Republican president equals poor economy, downturn in the housing market, etc…. 1 Democrat president  equals (see previous sentence).  The point is we’ve had presidents from both parties, and things still kinda suck.  There is no such thing as a Presidential Messiah.  The situation really probably wasn’t all that much better when party champions Reagan and Clinton were in office, and they probably won’t get all that much better with whoever gets elected next.  The fact is, the entire globe is facing economic issues and the election of one figure-head from whichever party probably isn’t going to make a difference.  Unless I’m the one elected.  Casey 2016!!!!.

The sooner people stop allowing the other party to bother them as if someone stole their spotlight at their Super Sweet 16 party, the faster we can move towards a solution.  Yes, the Democrat push for a larger government while our national deficit continues to grow probably isn’t the smartest political move at the moment.  Yes, the Republicans have serious work to do on their stance regarding social issues.  But people need to realize being a Republican doesn’t make you an ignorant bigot and being a Democrat doesn’t automatically make someone a socialist hippy.  The passion of free speech is what makes this country great, but the unadulterated revulsion with which Americans view members of opposing political ideology certainly will not solve any problems.  It didn’t work in the West Side Story with the rivalry between the Jets and the Sharks, and it certainly isn’t going to work now.  My advice is that everybody just needs to relax a little bit, pick the guy with the coolest tie, and don’t take yourself or politics so seriously.

Week 4 This week was a scorcher with temperatures about 10 degrees hotter on the black rubber field. It was also a day of blood with almost every team having someone leave the field bleeding. Some were over-achievers and had multiple bleeders. We had players from some teams who chanted, “Are these the replacement Refs?” which resulted in the Refs finding ways to throw their flags. The Refs wanted me to relay a message, “please tell your players that if there are any arguments with the Refs during playoffs it will result in penalties or ejection.” Now that’s over we can get into the game recaps. 

Game 1:  Snoop Lions 39 (4-0); Pro Boners 26 (2-2) 10am must have been too early because the morning slowed down the Pro Boners to allow Snoop Lions to score within the first 5 seconds of the game. The Snoop Lions have a TJSL record with 4 straight games with a TD within the first 5 seconds. The QB on the Snoop Lions put on a clinic on how to distribute the football by throwing a TD to 6 different players (Ryan, Ian, Matson, Steve “Beard”, Kenny, & Emily). This just shows the Snoop Lions depth even with 3 guys absent. After throwing 6 TDs to 6 different players Chad glared at the team and said, “Is there no one else?” The women for Snoop Lions were able to strut their stuff when 3 different women made plays during the victory. While the QB (Chad) for Snoop Lions was putting on his clinic, the QB for Pro Boners was putting on a magic show. His grand finale was making his shorts slowly disappear during the game, which lead to a couple of people yelling, “I know how he does that trick.”  It came to a point where it looked as if he was playing in his spandex underwear with an apron. There is a point where people make drastic decisions to keep cool on hot days.

Game2: NoBama 18 (1-3); 50 Shades 6 (0-4) Before this game, I needed to get the paramedics on speed dial. Two weeks ago, the QB for 50 Shades was carried off the field on a stretcher, and last week the QB on Nobama tore his Achilles tendon. We almost had another injury when a female from Nobama decided she was going to pull a safety blitz and tackle the QB for 50 Shades. Afterwards, chants of, “That’s what I call a sack lunch” came from the crowd. This was a crucial game for the winless with each team trying to get their first win. If anyone saw the West Virginia vs. Baylor game over the weekend: this was the complete opposite. Both teams couldn’t get their offenses going. It was a game of terrible catching rather than a defensive battle. The score was 6-0 at half. It would have been at least 6-6 at half were it not for a wide-open drop by Nobama that resulted in the Referee throwing a flag for, and I quote, “excessive embarrassment.” ←True Statement. The highlight of the game and joy for many around the TJSL Intramural community came when Team NoBama showed up with their Chick-fil-a shirts turned inside out. This speaks to their character in wanting to end the controversy.

Game 3: Do Work 32 (1-3); Learned Hand 28 (2-2) This victory for Do Work was the most improbable of predictions. The Gabeline had Learned Hand at       -9.5. This game was actually pleasant without any negative incidents. Do Work finishes the year with a lonely win which wasn’t enough to get them into playoffs with a record of 1-3. They Did Work….last year. Tim, from Do Work, wanted me to make sure there was something in the write-up about his one-handed interception. Tim showed he was multifaceted by displaying his ability to distract the opposing team when he left the line of scrimmage, walked to the sideline, had a chat, and sipped Gatorade while he was still on offense. This deception allowed Do Work to score a TD with only 6 players.  Even with the disappointing loss, Learned Hands should wash themselves from this defeat and get ready to make a run during playoffs.

Game 4: Multiple Scoregasms 34 (4-0); Balls Out Screamers 18 (2-2) With team names like these, I expected a loud but entertaining show. Once again, the Scoregasms GOT OFF and scored early, which according to their team name, GOT THEM OFF again. This trend continued the entire game until they just couldn’t go anymore. It’s needless to say but they scored 5 times. Scoregasms FINSHED THEMSELVES with an undefeated 4-0 record and a first round bye. As for Balls Out, they left with them tucked between their legs. This team should have never laid a finger on my butter fingers and instead invested in gloves and cleats. They had plenty of opportunities to score. If their players weren’t slipping on the field then it was the ball slipping out of their hands.  Some people could have blamed the loss on Brianna who showed her lack of dedication to the pink team when she came out covered head to toe in pink wear but failed to remove a blue headband. Balls Out Screamers need to get it together before they face undefeated Snoop Lions in the opening game of playoffs.

Game 5: TJSL Stallions 38 (4-0); Show Us Your TD’s 12 (0-4) This game started with the Referees warning the Stallions (team headband) about their previous conduct. This match up looked like a slaughter when SUYT started with 5 players and defeated record against an undefeated foe. The score is quite deceiving for how close this game was during the first half. The QB for the Stallions threw two interceptions that resulted in the scores tied 12-12 at half. The Stallions tightened their headbands for a resurgence during the 2nd half. They scored 26 unanswered points.  The QB for the Stallions had to make up for throwing 3 INTs by catching 3 INTs of his own.  By giving up 148 points in 4 weeks, Show Us Your TDs had plenty of TDs to witness. We know SUYT are studying for midterms after one of their players starting telling a member of the Stallions about how a ball left on the sidelines was a type of strict liability. I don’t know how he came to that conclusion when strict liability covers animals and dangerous activities like dynamite blasting. I doubt flag football could meet any of the three rules for dangerous activities. He would have got more points for simple negligence.

Wrap Up

So far, the season has seen its head lumps and broken ankles, its high fives, low fives, and occasional chest bumps.  We have seen the sober and hung over. Next week is playoffs and if your team plans to play multiple games I would suggest bringing water and dames. The rosters are set so don’t plan on adding a friend because during the playoffs the rosters will be checked from beginning to end.

FINAL STANDINGS

Game 1:  Multiple Scoregasms 34; Learned Hands 28 For the marquee matchup of the day, the Multiple Scoregasms proved they can hit all the right spots as they edged out the Learned Hands in a battle of undefeated teams.  Poor flag pulling was the theme of the day as both teams scored on multiple long runs that could have been avoided by better tackling.  The pace of the game wasn’t helped by the referees who made it rain with their flags like they were Fat Joe at a strip club.  Though it was probably warranted due to the physical nature of the game.  The other theme of the days involved the groan areas of Multiple Scoregasms.  Kevin got hit with a pass in this unfortunate area, and Ben from Learned Hands allegedly tried to knee Aneesh in the groan after being de-pantsed . Luckily, cooler heads prevailed and the MS pulled out a close victory with a last second TD pass to Adam.  All around it was a solid, well-played game from two of the league’s best teams.  Becca was the star of the game as she had several key catches down the stretch which allowed MS to prevail.  MS can lock up first place in their division with a win next week.

Game 2: TJSL Stallions 33; Do Work 32 The second game pitted the two angriest teams in the league against each other as the TJSL Stallions edged out Do Work in a game that showed despite the formal education of the players and the recreational nature of this league, cooler heads don't always prevail.  Both teams needed to be reminded on several occasions that the championship t-shirts are made of basic cotton, generic colors, and aren’t worth more than $10.  Also the rumor that the team who wins the league receives automatic bar passage hopefully is put to bed after this week.  It was a good thing because Thomas Jefferson had been starting to get a positive reputation around San Diego.  The need to trash-talk, take cheap shots, and constantly complain after every single play like four-year olds had one of the referees so fed up he thought about calling the game.  Luckily, a few bad apples didn’t ruin the entire game as there were plenty of players on both teams that were actually adult enough to get through a recreational game of flag football without losing their minds. Do-Work put in a valiant effort to fill holes, but the Stallions bandana wearing hurry up offense was too much in the end.  The Stallions move to 3-0 and are in a battle with the Snoop Lions for the top spot in the division.

Game 3: Snoop Lions 48; Show Us Your TDs 12 The Snoop Lions continued their offensive mastery scoring early and often against an undermanned Show Us Your TDs squad.  Tensions were high with the referees after the debacle of the second game, but both teams miraculously showed that it is possible to actually have fun while playing a game with your friends.  The two squads tried this new thing called  “Having a good time without getting angry and yelling at their teammates and referees who get paid like $10 a game.”  It was a controversial concept, but both teams seemed to enjoy themselves in the end.  The game was never really close as Show Us Your TDs had only 6 players on their team.  They played their hearts out despite the heat and with a full team and a few subs, SUYT would be a solid team in the league.  The small city that makes up the Snoop Lions put took their opposing team’s name to heart and “showed them their TDs” by scoring on every position except one.  With a win next week and a solid defensive outing, the Snoop Lions should breeze in to the playoffs with a first round bye.

Game 4: Pro Boners 19; #NoBama 0 #NoBama became #NoScoring as the Pro Boners stiffened up (boo-yah!) when it counted most and put up the first shutout of the season.  This game saw multiple dropped passes as the Pro Boners erected (heyoooo) just enough offense to beat the rambunctious republicans.  The Pro Boners finally got their blood flowing to the right places (zing!) with a few late INTS.  NoBama’s lack of offense can probably be contributed to either their QB going down with an ankle injury or a lack of protein in their diet because they didn’t wear the Chick-fil-A shirts.  The latter is probably most accurate.  The high light of the game came when the NoBama QB’s flag was pulled by the pony-tailed Pro Boner in what has been described as the greatest meeting of miraculous hair cuts in the long and storied history of IM football.  Pro-Boners moves to 2-1 and can possibly clinch a playoff spot next week if they can upset the Snoop Lions and keep their points allowed low.  NoBama drops to 0-3 on the season but if they added a few more pieces and stay healthy, this could be a team to watch in the future.

Game 5: Balls Out Screamers 28; Fifty Shades of Gray 20 This game was 50 shades of boring as it seemed that neither team really wanted to take control until the very end.  It was a back and forth hissy-fit again until Balls Out Screams finally put them away with a late TD.  The Balls Out Screamer’s defense was one mystery the Fifty Shades of Gray QB Watson couldn’t solved as he was rushed to throw all game.  Something was definitely afoot.  Regardless of the erotic connotations of their opponent’s name, the Balls Out Screamers were able to keep their focus and pull out an important victory.  An upset win next week against the Multiple Scoregasms could allow them to sneak into the playoffs.  Fifty Shades of Gray moves to a disappointing 0-3.

STANDINGS (Points Against):

Game 1: Balls out Screamers 27; Do Work 26 Most would call this an upset, but Balls Out Screamers showed they wanted it more. Their QB, John, showed that a ripped pink shirt and a strained hammy in the first half wouldn't deny him. He checked back in late in the game to complete a come back win. He even painfully ran for a key first down on the game winning drive. The defending champs fall to 0-2. 

Game 2: TJSL Stallions 22 Pro Boners 13 The TJSL Stallions looked more like the TJSL ponies in the first half, but they came back strong in the 2nd half to get the win. Maybe after 2 weeks Jesse will learn some of the rules so they can continue to stay unbeaten. Pro Boners continue to have a hard time getting the ball in the end zone, but if they can get it together next week they can solidify their spot in the playoffs.

Game 3: 50 Shades of Grey 26 Multiple Scoregasms 33 Almost a monster upset. With two minutes left in the game and down by 6 with the ball, 50 Shades of Grey's captain, Zach, went down with an ankle injury. After a short delay to tend to the injury, 50 Shades of Grey immediately scored on the next play to tie it up. This is when the play of the day occurred. On the extra point try, Tom from MS came up with an interception and started to run it back. Just short of scoring, it looked like he was about to have his flag pulled when he wisely flipped the ball to Alyssa who ran in for the score. With that momentum, the Scoregasms were able to put the game away. Although they were named the favorites after last week, Multiple Scoregasms looked vulnerable this week and rumor has it Andy is going to be out of town for the playoffs.

Game 4: Snoop Lions 28 #NObama 2012 12 #NObama 2012 continues to cause controversy with their choice to wear Chick-fil-A shirts. Although they claim it was the only red shirt that they could find 15 of, it is a strange coincidence that a team named NObama is wearing the shirt of a company that donates to anti-gay hate groups. Either way, this game was never really close. Snoop Lions scored on nearly every offensive possession while NObama had some time consuming drives that ended in no points. The ambulance was called for Game 3, but somebody needed to call the whaaaaaaaaaambulance in this one to control the whining of some of NObama's players. The most thrilling moment of the game for NObama came when Lindsay grabbed a little more than just the flag while trying to stop the ball carrier.

Game 5: Learned Hands 48 Show Us Your TD's 12 Learned Hands looked impressive recording their second win, but the fact that the game was played 7 on 6 may have had something to do with Ben being able to run whenever he felt like it. When he did run, he showed why he was an all-everything selection in high school in Missouri. Show Us Your TD's had a tough time pulling flags on defense and keeping possession of the ball on offense as their lack of subs killed them in the second half once again. Next week will be the true test for Learned Hands as they face fellow undefeated team Multiple Scoregasms. The winner of that game will likely earn a first round bye.